unconventional

I was six when my Grandmother and Pop moved to Henderson.  I don’t really remember a time when we didn’t live together.  I’m sure that I’ll never be able to measure all the blessings I have because of them.  And I never really fully appreciated them until I was older.

Amidst all the grieving of the past week, there is much for which to be grateful.  She was sharp until the end…never stumbling mentally.  She died peacefully in her sleep, exactly how she has always prayed to die.  She was a giver, a servant, a Christ-follower.

I also was blessed to experience two really comforting moments the past week. 

The morning after she died, Keenan woke up around 5:30am.  I had hardly slept all night and had just finally fell into a deep sleep.  I got him out of his crib and tried rocking him and putting him back down…but he wouldn’t have it.  I ended up sitting up with him until 7am.  About 30 minutes before that, though, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted, I was quietly crying and begging him to go to sleep.  In my mind, I kept telling God how tired I was and how I just wanted to go to sleep.  I kept begging Him to let me sleep.  And then…during my pure exhaustion…in what can only be described as clarity from the Holy Spirit…I realized that Grandmother had probably had many such moments.  She was so tired all the time.  She hated being dependent on others and she really was sick of hurting all the time.  I know there were many moments she was just so ready to go to sleep and wake up at Home.

My second comforting moment came on my ride back to Montgomery.  At some point in that ride, I realized that I was now going to learn how to live without her.  I started sobbing pretty badly and thanking God for that release.  I kept asking God to help me learn how to be without her.  And then I looked down at my wrist.  All of the granddaughters got to go through her jewelry and pick out what we wanted.  And I got a bracelet and a watch.  I clutched her watch to my heart and I prayed for God to take away that ache.  And it was at that moment that I felt her with me.  And I realized that in many ways, I am closer to her now than I ever was.  I have her inside me now and I can send her messages through God.  I feel that she knows what I’m up to.

I’m so grateful to God.  For how long I had her, for how much she loved me, for how much she taught me, for how things really did work together for her good. I certainly know that not everyone can say that…or this: I am most grateful that my only ache, the only tears that will fall, will be simply because I just miss her…that’s all.