unconventional

I am currently in the middle of what is proving to be one of the hardest times of my life.  When I realized God was calling me to law school, I ran away from Him…because I knew it would be too hard.  At the time I felt that I would never be able to get in, to get through, to even merely survive.  And in many ways, this journey is proving to be as hard as I thought.

I am studying about 80 hours a week.  I get to school around 8am everyday and for the first few weeks, I left around 7pm.  I would go home and see my family for a few hours for supper and bed time, and then crack open the books again until midnight or later.

I’ve begun describing my life as a Jenga tower.  I am able to keep standing as long as another block isn’t moved.  But you move a block…and I fall down.  Both literally and figuratively.  I haven’t ever been more exhausted in all my life, I am missing out on the things of life that I love the very most, and I’ve started having panic attacks. 

(As far as the panic attacks, I’m supposed to see a doctor soon to see what I can do to manage those.  I have mostly improved in the past week.  But for those of you who have suffered with these, I didn’t realize how terrible they are.  Please don’t feel alone or feel like a freak.  I’m not ashamed that I have suffered in this way…and I’m so grateful to have the means to cope with them.  I pray that you do, too.)

But through this, I have to admit that I am growing and learning far more than just horribly complicated words, centuries old philosophies or complex legal issues.  I’m learning that what God begins, He will see through.  What He calls forth, He will call into being.

My husband has dedicated his life to me during this journey, teaching me that where there is love, sacrifice almost doesn’t seem sacrificial.  My best friend, Sammie Jo, (in between visits to cook and clean and her everyday texts) has literally been on her knees in prayer for me…and even told me to pray at the exact same time so that God would hear us more clearly.  My parents have postponed their retirement for a few years…and traveled constantly to be here to support us. My brother and my sister-in-law have spent hours on the phone and texting, praying me off my ledge (even during their vacation!).  My children have behaved beautifully and even been so sweet through neglect. Besides lightening my load, Samantha always puts the happy in my days. I have even been blessed with two new dear law school friends…girls in the fire with me, holding me up when I’d rather just fall.

Through all of this, satan has hurled his darts…and has made me even more convicted that I am right where I am supposed to be.  I am doing exactly as God is calling me.  And I’m putting one foot in front of the other, one case brief, one memo at a time. And on my best days, I am even a little excited to see what God will do with this law school education He’s getting.