Kate's Kranium

THANKFUL

This year, on Thanksgiving, I am most grateful for sacrifice.

I am, above all, grateful for the sacrifice of my savior.  And not just the cross part.  I’m grateful for every moment from the beginning to the end.  I hope that I live my life in a way that expresses my awesome gratitude.

Everyday, I am grateful for the sacrifice made by my children’s birthmothers.  I guess especially this year, however, I am thankful for Keenan’s birthmother.  This gift that she has bestowed upon us is a gift that is only surpassed by the gift I received from Christ, the Holy Spirit and God Himself.

I’m grateful that my best friend, my other half, is a saint.  I couldn’t make it through one moment without him and - bless him - he gives much more than he gets in this relationship.  It takes a strong, patient man to live with me…and he is that and MORE!

I am thankful, too, this year for home.  There are a million reasons that I adore Henderson, Tennessee, and each one is because the greatest people I know are there.  And my hometown loves me and puts up with me…and there is hole in my heart when I’m away.  In case you were wondering, Chester County air really does smell better & breathes better!

One Reason I LOVE Adoption...

There are so many reasons I love adoption.  Probably hundreds.  So, I’ve decided to occasionally blog one reason…and eventually, maybe, cover them all!

I’ve heard all my life that we as humans are capable of things beyond our imagination.  I read books and heard sermons that told me I can learn anything I want to learn and that I can do or be anything I want to do or be.  I’ve always believed that we are capable of far more than we ever imagined.

When we first made a slight “veer” off our original plan for a family, and started walking down the adoption road.  We had hundreds of fears…just like all couples who I adopt, I’m sure.  But our faith was so much bigger…and I was more confident in that decision than I have been in most other areas in my life.  Pat and I just grabbed hold of each other’s hands and walked boldly on our course of action.

One typical fear…one comment I hear over and over…is “I just don’t know if I can love an adopted child as much as I would a biological child.”  We felt that, too.  I worried that the love I felt for my kids wouldn’t be enough to cover the loss of their biological families.

Well…one reason I love adoption is because now I know the answer to those worries.  I know that the love I have for these children is just as strong as love I would have for a child that came from me.  And I know that my love will be enough to cover that loss. 

Adoption has given me a sense of confidence that I probably would have never gained.  I have realized that I am capable of love so powerful that it will fight governments and agencies.  It will sacrifice more money than I could have ever imagined.  It has given me a story that most wouldn’t have dreamed of having by this time in my life. 

Adoption has given me the strength to see God from a whole different perspective.  Sharing my children with two other mommies used to make me sad…but now I am so proud for my children that I am able to do so.  And that strength has helped me to fight ignorance and the truly stupid things people say or think about adoption.

Adoption has shown me that I am capable of far more than I ever thought possible.  And experiencing that, makes difficult things seem a little easier, and lets me know that there isn’t much I won’t be able to do…just as long as I’ve got God within me and my hubby beside me!  If you ever decide to adopt, you’ll learn it too!

A Sermon - pardon me for preaching!

The Dean of Biblical Studies here at Faulkner spoke today in chapel.  He began by telling everyone that he was only speaking to a select few.  He said that he wouldn’t name names but discuss behavior.  He said that there are some students who use foul language on campus, some students that participate in immoral sexual behavior and some students that drink.  He said that Faulkner University does not stand for such behavior and that those actions have no place on this campus.  He said that the faculty/staff/student body would like for those students to discontinue those behaviors and to begin acting right.  He went on to say that if a student would not discontinue that behavior that those students were not welcome at Faulkner.  He asked those students to leave Faulkner at the break and he told them that if they continued their behavior that they would be required to leave.

Please don’t get me wrong…I do not condone those things.  And I completely believe that God does not want us to do them.  And I do think that Faulkner has to enforce a good behavior policy.  However, I have to say that I absolutely, wholeheartedly disagree with the way that the speaker went about “calling out” those students.  I also absolutely, wholeheartedly disagree with the statement that we all want those students to leave…I want them to stay.  Why?

1. I am so so so grateful to God that nobody did that at Freed when Patrick was there.  If they had, there would be no “Team McCarthy”.  I would not have married the most amazing man and I would have missed seeing his life changing transformation into a man of God.

2. Christ said “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone” John 8:7.

3. Christ said “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” Matthew 6:14-15.

4. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23.

We are all so imperfect.  Me, you, everyone.  How can we say that cussing and drunkenness is worse than pride or greed or selfishness or lying or lack of compassion?  I don’t think we can.  And I don’t believe for one second that Christ would have us just kick them out…and I don’t think that Christ would have us hate them.  I just think that some Christians are too weak to face those sins and stand up beneath them.  They want to banish it because they can’t take the heat…instead of gently and lovingly trying to correct the behavior.

Again, I will praise God that Patrick was never told to just leave.  I will pray that we begin to see that sometimes putting up with a hundred sinners is worth the salvation of one.  And I will be the lone, quiet voice telling “those kids” that at least I want them here.

Update on Andre

For years now, we’ve been told that Andre is Developmentally Delayed and that he seems “just fine”.  But that mommy radar was SCREAMING at me…not just talking to me…and I knew that something was off.  Of course, I’m not nearly smart enough to have any clue, but I knew that he wasn’t typical.  I would get frustrated at some school officials because they would always tell me that it was because I was comparing Andre to Miller.  And Miller is an exceptional learner…therefore Andre was normal.  I knew they were wrong!

We went today for Andre’s IEP meeting following the extensive psychological testing.  While they did find a few signs of Asperger’s, they did not find enough for him to be diagnosable.  Below is what they did find…to the best of my ablilty is my explanation!

The first major test they performed was to find his IQ.  He got a score of 54, which is extremely low.  They thought it must have been wrong and performed a similar test, which showed him at a 60.  Thus, proving his IQ is very low.  (See!! Told you!)  Typically, they told me that most people test within the same range throughout their lives…which means that if we are born with a low IQ, then most often, we will always have a low IQ.  However, they found something else very interesting in his tests.

They did an achievement test, which is almost always at about the same level as the IQ.  However, Andre’s achievement score was 22 points higher than his IQ.  He is still below average for his age, but not near as below average as his actual IQ. 

SO…the examiner said that she believes the low IQ is due to his developmental delay.  Her professional opinion is that he will be one of the rare situations where his IQ will improve, although she does not know how much.

She did say that it is phenomenal that he is performing so far outside of his IQ range and she said that she had never actually seen it before.  She said that it can only be a testiment to his teacher and his home environment.  We think so much of it comes from Miller, too. 

One of the main things that we got out of today is that every single scale shows that he has major signs of ADHD.  Ms. Hall, his teacher, said that he is by far the most inattentive in her class now.  We were all given assessments to fill out for him and all of them ranked in the clinical range, which was the most severe.

Patrick and I believe that if he is achieving so much with a major attention issue, then just think what he can do when he gets help!  And…as weird as this sounds…we are actually relieved to know there is an issue.  We felt it and we were very afraid!  Now, we have an answer and we can start doing the right things to help him :)!!

Mommies - don’t ignore your Mommy Radar!!

The Question only God can answer...

Mallerie Graves died this morning.

That sentence is so hard for me.  It makes me gag and choke and cry. And breathless.  And it is still so unreal to me.  Only 17.  And as precious as any soul you could ever know.

I’m so grateful for Heaven and for the assurance of that eternity.  I’m gonna ask God all sorts of things…and when I ask Him why, He’ll give that clarity.

Today in church, the preacher told a story about when Charlton Heston was filming the movie Ben Hur (yes…this is an ancient movie…but a great story).  Back then, they filmed things pretty much as is and Heston was having a hard time driving the chariot.  He told the director that he was having a really hard time merely hanging on, muchless trying to actually win the race.  The director told him, “My job is to make sure you win the race.  Your job is to just stay in chariot.”

All we’ve got to do is stay in the chariot. And the Holy Spirit can worry about us winning the race.  And then Lord-willing, we’ll see Mallerie again and be able ask God the questions only He can answer. 

The Competitive Mommy Club

When we first brought Miller home, I realized that things in life changed in more ways than one.  One very interesting new part of my life was that I became, quite suddenly, a card-carrying member of what I call the Competitive Mommy Club.  Now…I didn’t actually choose to be a member.  No one does.  Every mommy is a member. 

Those first few days of “Mommyhood” I had other mommies say some crazy things to me…like maybe Korea got his birthday wrong, because he couldn’t really be that big.  Or that it really was sad that his real parents couldn’t take care of him.  Just insensitive stuff that I realized as insecurity on their part.  I’ve got lots of other examples…and I know that all mommies do. 

It seems that some mommies in the world feel the need to compare their children to others.  We forget that we are imperfect…and we carry those imperfections and insecurities over to our parenting.  The very sad part is that we also choose to allow those insecurities to creep over to our children. 

Of course, I think my kids are the coolest, cutest, most amazing creatures.  They are mine!  Of course I would.  And you know what?  I’m so so so grateful that you think your kids are cooler, cuter, more amazing…all children need that.  God created them all to be beautiful and wonderful, with their individual strengths and weaknesses. 

So…instead of comparing our children…why don’t we celebrate their victories?  The kid at church, the kid on the All-Star team, the kid next door.  Sure…we’ll be a little bit more thrilled when our kid is the one who succeeds, but you can’t deny that any child with any accomplishment is pretty dang awesome.

"He's not the same color as you."

Tonight, Patrick and I went out to eat.  We are trying to stay in as much as possible because we don’t want Keenan to get sick.  I have carried him in a sling each time we are out…for many reasons, but mainly in hopes of protecting him from yuckiness!

We went into the restaurant later than the big crowd and as we were getting our food, I turned around and saw a little black girl.  She had the sweetest face and unfortunately, a VERY runny nose.  So I covered Keenan a bit more.  She asked to see him and I stepped back a bit and uncovered his face briefly.  She looked at him and asked how old he is.  She told me that he is very cute.  And then she said “He’s not the same color as you.”

I laughed and said “No, honey, he’s not.” And she asked where his real mommy is.  And I told her that Keenan was born a few days ago in Irving and that his birthmother lives close to there.  I told her that I have adopted him and that makes me his real mommy.

About 15 minutes later, she came over to our table and asked “Is he your’s forever?”  And I said “Yep.  We are together forever.  As long as he is alive and as long as I am alive, he is mine.  God created the two of us to be together.”  And she said “Oh. Okay.” She smiled and she walked away. 

I know not everyone will be so accepting of the fact that I feel called to parent this glory of God’s…and I know that He is preparing me for this journey.  I hope that when people see me with my son, they will see that love has no color or gender or age.  If they look closely enough, they will know that I adore my son and I hope they understand that race is something we’ve chosen as a divider…not something God intended to divide us. 

I will add so many many more thoughts on race - and transracial adoption - on this blog.  But tonight, I’m grateful (and humored!) for youthful honesty and innocence.  And I am in such awe of my beautiful boy with darker skin than I!

Keenan

I missed worship today.  I spent an almost-all-nighter driving from Tennessee to Texas.  I knew I wouldn’t get to go to church, so I listened to KLove and my praise music for the entire ride and worshipped as much as I could.  I prayed and cried.  I sang and listened.  But I still wish I could have gone to church.  Today…of all days…I needed to worship my God.  I am brought to my knees by His love.  I am brought to my knees by a 6lb,12oz bundle of boy who is living proof of a living God.

I’m going to savor every minute of it.  I’m going to bask in the exhaustion and the poopy diapers.  I’m going to joyfully wear spit-up and I’m going to be patient through teething.  I know it is work…but I am going to run head-first into, like a pig to mud, I’m going to jump in and wallow!!!

I can’t wait for you all to meet him!